life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You are the jesus of drinking
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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