dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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