Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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