2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
