I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
