Soap is not a condiment
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
