My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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