My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you traded sex for a burrito?
is wine microwaveable?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
