was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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