I wish I could teleport
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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