My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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