Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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