Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
