So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize