i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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