everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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