you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
