Will you blow on my dice?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
