Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
