Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
