If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
