I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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