I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
