Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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