He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
