you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
