I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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