my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You took a bar mat shot.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
