They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
false alarm, still single
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
