you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize