my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
