I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
