as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have aggressive nipples.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
