omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
