If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
