I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
