If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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