if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
