trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
