you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
