Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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