one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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