he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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