why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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