Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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