I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
