Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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