John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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