I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize