If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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