The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
