Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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