we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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