I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
