so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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