apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
